But it seems to be working for the idiots around me.
I have emerged from my period of mourning and susequent depression to become my old curmudgeonly self once again. I have witnessed many rather moronic, selfish, discourteous acts in these last three months only to ignore or blankly acknowledge them. That time has ended. I'm back, bitches! With a vengeance I shall describe and discuss and humiliate and poke fun at these creatures off lesser abilites to the best of my abilities. And it starts now.
Driver's education. Major reform needs to take place quickly, and it shall cover all age groups. Every high school football coach in every town across this great nation will need to be drafted for this venture. My voice is so tired of screaming at ignorant drivers that I sound like Wolfman Jack. I recall, not at all vaguely, that you are required to stop at red lights, use turn signals to tell drivers around you that you plan on possibly turning in the next 100 feet or so even if you are doing 50 mph in the fast lane on a large bridge. I'm sure I saw something about changing lanes whilst moving, observing everything around you at all times, looking down the road instead of at your damned cell phone picture, using your mirrors for a driving aid instead of for makeup. I know my teacher told me not to read books, magazines, newspapers or cereal boxes while operating a motor vehicle. I'm sure of it. He said something like, "I will kill you, I will physically kill you." I can say with almost perfectly recollection that feeding your child in the backseat while steering from the front is a no-no. I can recall vividly my instructor telling me not to stop three lanes of interstate traffic while you negotiate getting off your exit. I'm sure it's complete and utter bullshit, but someone once told me "one-way" actually means traffic only goes in one direction. I'm not sure about your states, but mine allows a left turn on red from a one-way street to another one-way street. I've remembered that law for 15 years. Most everyone I meet has never heard of it. Until I scream, honk the horn, flip the bird, shake my nightstick and open my van door. After that I'm sure they don't forget. I seem to have missed the 10-count on a green light, though. Can anyone tell me when that started? 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi...10 Mississippi, Go!! That one befuddles me.
Everything I stated previously has happened to me in the last three months, most more than once. I drive a lot, at least five days a week, 3 to 4 hours a day. I see this complete disregard for laws and rules daily, and it drives me bonkers. I used to flip the bird so often I overextended my finger and needed physical therapy. Then I started with the thumbs up. That died quickly. Next, I started making a finger pistol gesture. That seems to get the most response. It's a nice feeling to get an idiot in your sights, a warm fuzzy.
I was stationed in Norfolk, Virginia for a few years while I was in the Navy. Everyday, when work ended, I would drive to Newport News to go home. To get there you had to cross a bridge and go through a tunnel. And everyday, regardless of what time I got off, someone would drive well below the speed limit through that tunnel. I became convinced it was one old man, just out to drive me nuts. It got to a point where my friend and I would fantasize on the way home about driving and old, early 70's Caddy, beat up, rusted, but solid. Two bright Day-Glo crash helmets, five point safety harnesses, a carton of Camels and a Dixie playing horn. Cruising the interstates and byways, running dumbasses off the road at the first sign of stupidity. We would become famous enough that people who saw two helmeted drivers in their rear view mirrors would automatically wreck themselves. Someday.
I have vowed to my wife that we will never again live in a city or state with a NASCAR track, because NASCAR makes regular drivers stupid, I'm sure of it. Everyone wants to be Earnhardt, but they drive like Buckshot Jones. These people, up and down the East coast, all drive that way. Daytona, Miami, Charlotte, Richmond, Atlanta. It's a race, always a race.
What happened to courteous drivers? Passing at a merge to get a better spot, tailgating the guy in front of you so no one else can get in front of you. Cutting people off. Manners on the highway have gone out the window like a discarded cigarette butt. I think the police should be allowed to pull over discourteous drivers and administer a punch in the nose, like a scarlet letter, for the rest of the world to see and appreciate. That would definitely make rubbernecking more enjoyable!
I'm working on an invention. I'm sure you've seen the signs with the LED's, they're everywhere. DMV has them, cafeteria menus, you know. They have the red, green and yellow lights, programmable. I want to make one that you can attach easily to any visible location on your vehicle. Programmable with built in sayings, then add your own. Make it voice activated to display what you say when you want to get your point across. I think it would sell well, don't you?